AB Inbev, the parent company of Budweiser, has reached a deal to acquire SABMiller for $107 billion, a merger which will result in the production of a third of the world’s hobo piss.
Budweiser and Miller are the two leading brand
s of American Light Beer, and are not commonly appreciated by self-respecting individuals.
“We hope that this merger will allow the company to continue providing shit-quality beer to insecure frat-guys with small penises,” one AB Inbev spokesperson commented.
Historically, these two companies have been rivals, fighting for their place on the beer pong table in the basements of high-school dropouts. However, the companies determined that competing was ineffective, as no one with an IQ over 65 gives a shit about either product.
When asked how such a shitty product could be so popular, Carlos Brito, CEO of AB Inbev, stated “There’s no shortage of lacrosse players and inbred hillbillies willing to buy bullshit by the case. Let’s just hope these losers keep these pathetic standards.”
The resulting size of this company raises a variety of regulatory issues with the Security and Exchange Commission (SEC). However, the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) is better equipped for dealing with companies that generate toxic waste.
The Spokesperson from Miller declined to comment.